“THERE are a myriad ways to interpret my top 10 comedy moments. When have I made others laugh? When have others made me laugh? What are my greatest comedic achievements? I’ll
include a bit of all. Here they are, in chronological order…”
French fried: How do you measure laughter? The hardest or longest you’ve laughed? The most often in a short period? (Is it obvious I got an engineering degree?) All these happened at once on a class trip from Cincinnati to Quebec. My friends and I suplexed a bag of potato chips, greasing up our entire sleeping quarters. (Hey, I was 14.) I laughed for an hour, until my friend Danny socked me in the stomach to get me to stop. I cried myself to sleep. If there ever was a training for a career in comedy, this was it.
Sex bomb: At our high school, the valedictorian didn’t give the commencement address. So, the responsibility fell on the class president. I aimed to get laughs and drop knowledge. Unfortunately, in front of a crowd of thousands, including 488 classmates, instead of saying, “Be gracious in your success,” I accidentally said, “Be gracious in your sex.” The place went nuts. I tagged it with, “I mean, I do think you should be gracious in your sex or at least grateful for any sex, not that I’m getting any.”
Chappelle show: In 2000, before I started doing stand-up, I was part of the student government at University of Cincinnati. They were bringing Dave Chappelle to campus and asked me to open for him since I’m funny. I went out in front of 1,000 people and within 30 seconds, got booed offstage. I handed the mic to Dave Chappelle. He told me to hang tight and said he’d bring me out. He goes out and opens with, “Why you gotta boo a ni**a offstage?” That gets ’em. He brings me out and has me sit on the side of the stage, while he does his Killin’ Em Softly set. After the legendary set, he invited me to open for him. I did my first ever weekend performance and did alright. I’d go on to open for Chappelle three more times in Cincinnati and Dayton. That Dave Chappelle. What a guy.
Good and Eva: One night, Eva Longoria came to the Hollywood Laugh Factory. A bunch of us were in the tiny lobby; people were snapping photos of her. Suddenly, she jumped over to me and said, “Oh, my god, you’re hilarious! Get a picture of us!” I couldn’t believe it. I mean, a beautiful A-list Hollywood star paid me that kind of compliment? Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve made it. I asked her if she would pretend to get my attention while I ignore her, and she went along with it.
The love you take: I love doing crowd work. One night at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, I asked a woman in the front row, “What’s a movie you haven’t seen that you think everybody else has?” She replied, “Oh, honey. My life’s a movie, baby.” I looked at her and said, “I hate to ruin it for you, but you die at the end.” Shocked silence, followed by uproarious laughter.
That rings true: In December 2014, I proposed to my then-girlfriend onstage. I got the idea very early that morning and my mom loved it. Of course she did, I was 38. At that point, I could’ve proposed in the loo! (Comedian) Kevin Nealon told me to do it at the end of my set. I asked, “Will you be able to follow it?” In his own hilarious way, he replied, “Yes, Rajiv, I’ll be able to follow it,” and he did brilliantly.
Be a man: On August 2015, my now wife and I got married. Our dear friend Russell Peters turned up! I mean he really turned up and DJed. He snapped hundreds of photos with our guests. And of course, he did a comedy set. Since I was the one getting married, I followed him, jokingly telling everyone that I finally got to say Russell Peters was opening for me.
Oh, that’s rich: Onstage at the Hollywood Laugh Factory, I asked a man in the audience if he liked Lionel Richie. To my amazement, he said he was more rock than pop. He proceeded to tell me his favourite band was Pink Floyd and favourite song was Hey You. His favourite lyric was “Together we stand, divided we fall.” As I broke out into a dance, I flipped it on him and started singing Richie classic “All Night Long.” It was funny, but maybe you had to be there.
The fool on the hill: My latest solo tour, The Man In The Middle, is about US politics. I plan to resume it as soon as this coronavirus allows. Towards the end of 2019, I performed it at the US House of Representatives. We even had opposing politicians tell a joke, as opposed to most of the legislation they write, which is a joke. It was the eve of the impeachment vote. They weren’t exactly in a conciliatory mood. Hey, in comedy, timing is everything.
Magnificent seven: At the very end of the last decade, I became the first person ever to perform stand-up comedy on all seven continents. Having done the other five, I flew to Buenos Aires to headline a bar gig, after which I boarded a ship to set sail across the Drake Passage to perform for some penguins in Antarctica. I’d love to claim to be the first to do stand-up in Antarctica, but some bloke likely got plastered and told jokes at the Faraday Bar (the southernmost bar in the world).
Rajiv Satyal is a stand-up comedian and radio/TV host. Visit Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and all social media: @funnyindian
